A Father's Day Interview

Sunday June 18th was Father's Day.  We had a relatively quiet day at home, with hamburgers & hot dogs cooked on a new gas grill - my 25th Prudential work anniversary gift.  Plus our favorite chocolate cake made with Droste dutch cocoa, which was absolutely delicious.

So during the afternoon, Steve and I convened on the upstairs back porch in West Pittston.  Sometimes I try to remember what it was like at a specific place & time.  It was a partly sunny afternoon with a slight breeze, around 80 degrees.  As we talked, a crow called in one of our neighbors' tall trees.  Here are my questions and Steve's answers.  Alex & Rob, I hope you'll find this a help if you become fathers yourselves.

Q.  What things did you most enjoy doing with the girls when they were growing up?

A.  Vacation at the Jersey shore (staying in Avalon or Wildwood); going to the beach, walking on the board walk, visiting the Cape May Zoo.  

Q.  What are your guiding principles for parenting teen agers / young adults?

A.  You can't micro-manage....  As a parent, you can no longer control what children do at this point.  It's hard to see your kids make mistakes, but it's necessary; we all learn more from our mistakes than when things go smoothly.  When things do go wrong, it's important to be there and help them understand why.  For the girls especially, I told them they needed to learn to be independent (so as not to be reliant on someone else).  No one should need a partner.  

Q.  What is the hardest thing about being a step parent?

A.  Step parents need to understand this unique role.  As a stepfather, since the boys are not my biological children I have no "rights" or "authority" from a moral perspective.  So as not to alienate them, you have to be caring but hands-off.  Allowing kids the freedom to make mistakes is even harder with a stepchild.  You need to be there for them, but more as a friend than as a parent.

Q.  What are some of the says you try to be a role model, as a Dad?

A.  By working hard.  Having fun, laughing and being silly sometimes.  Also, talking about what's happening in the world and what matters to me.  Lastly, I try to set an example by learning and trying new things (including at work).

Q.  How do you want your kids to remember you as a father?

A.  "I Tried !"  My Mom cared for me and my brothers physically, but otherwise did not nurture us.  My Dad was never part of my life.  I always wanted to be better than my father.  This included being available if my kids needed me; helping with homework, rides to activities or work and dealing with problems like a car break-down.

Q.  What are your favorite qualities about each child?

A.  Kate (35) - approaching her life with passion; for example, as a teacher.  Her principles in viewing the world, in particular social justice.

Korin (30) - using her intelligence as a scientist to make a difference in the world.

Becca (30) - caring for other people, and being a down-to-earth person who leverages her common sense.

Alex (26) - self-confidence i.e., being less inhibited than most people by fears and insecurities (noting that this is a learned behavior).

Rob (20) - being idealistic in terms of recognizing social injustice, being intelligent and an extremely caring person.  I hope he will find a way to help improve the world.

Q.  What advice would you give your 23-year old self about becoming a father?

A.  Recognize that it's hard to be a Dad.  Parenting young people is not an exact science, and no one has all the answers.  Sometimes you get parts of it wrong.  But try your best, it will all work out in the end.  (This is in spite of the fact that while I may appear patient, I'm really not; specifically, I have no patience for my own failings.)

Here are pictures of the kids who have been lucky to have Steve as their Dad.  Kudos to Sharon and Steve for raising up their girls, who are now accomplished women.

Lovely teenage Albert Girls, June 2007:

Steve with Carroll Boys in their 20's, on Father's Day, June 2023:

Clan Buchanan - McCausland Family Line

Your GrandNana is Phyllis McCausland (1907-1999).  (She lived through all the major events of the 20th century - I am thinking of the Great War, the depression, World War II and men traveling to the moon - a fascinating lifetime.)  She, her older sister Grace and younger brother John were born to Agnes Viola Walker and Charlies Raymond McCausland.  Your grandfather is named David Buchanan Rivers.  Your uncle is named John McCausland Rivers.  And Rob, you are named Robert Buchanan Carroll - quite a noble name.

Clan Buchanan is considered a Highlands clan.  Here are the tartan, and the family crest.  The crest is translated as Brighter Hence The Honour.

McCausland is a derivation of a clan family name Macauslan, which according to Wikipedia means Son of Anselan.  From at least 1225, Clan Buchanan had rights to land on the east and northern borders of Loch Lomond in what became known as Stirlingshire.  On our Scotland trip we took a day trip to Loch Lomond, which was absolutely lovely and then to Stirling Castle.  While touring the castle, Alex and I learned about George Buchanan (a famous scholar and historian), a stern tutor to Prince James (1566-1625) who became King James VI of Scotland and later King James I of England.  Those were not the best days to be a school boy.  It's interesting that George Buchanan died in Edinburgh and was buried in Greyfriars' Kirkyard, which we explored.  You've heard royal families focus on having "an heir and a spare"....  Well, Clan Buchanan experienced the consequences of not having an heir when its chief died without one; the 19th chief John Buchanan died without an heir around 1682.  (In the Jacobite uprisings of the 1700's, Buchanans were split with some supporting the Stuarts and others supporting the Government.)  However, the Clan Buchanan Society is the world's oldest society - established in 1725 in Glasgow.  There are many notable Buchanan's in the UK and abroad including US President James Buchanan (in office from 1857- 1861).

Here is the beautiful loch, with a view to the Highlands in the distance.

This is a view of stunning countryside from Castle Stirling.

On our trip, we collected a Buchanan guide book, a Buchanan sweatshirt (Alex) and a Buchanan scarf (me).  Rob, you already had a handsome Buchanan scarf.  And while on our bus ride, we heard the sad story and a lovely rendition of the The Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomond.  I've known the chorus all my life, but didn't realize who wrote it or what it meant.  You can read about the history of this well-known song here.  To make your heart ache and remember sacrifices and loss, this is a traditional version by a Scottish folk group based in Edinburgh "The Corries".

Tina Turner 1939-2023

During our vacation in Scotland, Tina Turner (born Anna Mae Bullock) died at age 83.  While I was aware of her life story, I didn't fully appreciate what an entertainment pioneer she was until recently.  Born in Tennessee to a disfunctional family, she was the first female rock 'n' roll super star which she achieved after a relationship with a brilliant but violent musician.  To give credit, Ike Turner certainly did recognize and help develop her talent.  In addition to beating her regularly after they married, Ike took it upon himself to name her Tina in order to promote his band as if she were his property.  I have to say, this concept is not suprising since humanity has known all manner of slavery for thousands of years.  I have tears in my eyes writing this, thinking about the fear, pain and desperation she lived with during their marriage while raising 4 children - her courage in leaving him - and the fear of what he might do to her then.  ....followed by a bitter divorce and financial struggles.

I admire Tina for her determination to escape this horror and then over time build her own solo career.  You can read her fascinating story including how she found true love and a joyful, peaceful new life here in Wikipedia.  I knew she was a beautiful, dynamic performer.  But only over the past few weeks have I realized how incredible she was a dancer and singer - unbelievable stamina.  (I find Lady Gaga to be a phenomenon in this same way.)  Tina originally gained fame as the lead singer of the powerful rhythm & blues band combined with the fantastic dancing "Ikettes"- under the leadership of her husband - called the Ike & Tina Turner Revue.  This is a mesmerizing performance from the Ed Sullivan variety show, I'm blown away the girls' singing and dancing.

Scotland - A Brilliant Vacation

A week ago, we were on a Sunday flight from Edinburgh to London that left at roughly 3:30 pm.  Followed quickly after by the connecting flight from London to Newark.  Followed by customs, not finding Rob's bag on the baggage carousel & reporting it missing, getting to our car at garage P4 and driving back to West Pittston (we arrived after 1:30 am).  After being awake roughly 24 hours, this was a super difficult drive - it was such a relief to get home.  Plus, the Friday evening departure from Newark had started us off with a 2-hour wait in line for the security check.  It has taken this past week to recuperate from our busy vacation and the travel experience.  Unfortunately, Rob's bag including a new, classy Helly Hansen shirt, pillows, most of his long pants etc. is still missing.  We are disappointed with British Airways customer service, especially since our return flight from Edinburgh was cancelled Saturday about midnight and it wasn't possible to call British Airways until Sunday, 8 am and so our best option was to get to the airport about 5:45 am to re-book flights (instead of simply calling to make arrangements by phone).  This resulted in waiting at the airport for an extra 7+ hours.  Our current sentiment is that we are not going overseas again for a long time.  

All that aside, we did have a brilliant (I heard a Scotsman use this UK slang) week in Edinburgh and its surrounds.  A tour guide told us the correct pronunciation is "Edin-Bruh".  A taxi driver said that only "daft buggers" (which happened to include his wife) swim in the North Sea on New Year's day - in Portobello, where we walked by the beach, except for Rob who visited the Surgeons Hall museum instead.  Rather than a public or restaurant bathroom, it's "toilet" which is absolutely more accurate.  After some exploration, Alex learned that our apartment at the Knight Residence Inn is up the street from "pubic corner" in Edinburgh where we constantly walked past 3 strip/girly bars.  Nearby, we also had a phenomenal view of Edinburgh Castle.  I love the fact that the Scotland national animal is a unicorn, which adorns the Mercat Cross on the Royal Mile.  And we all appreciated that remaining identified grave at St Giles Cathedral is under a "car park", where the marker for John Knox is in parking spot #23.  This spot is assigned to the minister, and he apparently drives an Audi (unlike most Presbyterian pastors)!

We walked up, down and around the hills in the somewhat grubby city, took tours to castles, learned SO much history including stuff relevant to the new world, and tried out a number of pubs (only one of which, a sports bar, had good food).  Alex, you came back with a permanent souvenier from Sacred Skull Tattoo on Dundee Street (its owner verified that a "quid" is a pound).  Rob, with your encouragement we visited the cat cafe Maison de Moggy.  We saw lambs with their mums on hillsides Everywhere outside the city.  After trying haggis, except for Steve of course, we decided the Scots can keep it. We visited our  Buchanan homelands near Loch Lomond, plus the beautiful lake itself.  And had a practically perfect day going south to Anglo-Scottish border country which is gorgeous, and seeing ruins of Hadrian's Wall (completed around 127 AD, an amazing Roman engineering/construction feat) and Vindolanda a nearby fort/village.  Alex, you want to go back and hike is that area.  Rob, you would be interested in Glasgow and the western islands.  I'd like to go back particularly to the highlands, and Isle of Skye.  

Steve is a phenomenal travel blogger, he wrote about our trip day-to-day.  You can link to NCFE here and find his posts from May 21-27, 2023.  Sincere thanks for all the wonderful pictures you took, Stephen G!

While I'm now taking a break from travel planning, I consider this trip an absolute success and feel lucky that we had this special time together.  And Rob, I am truly grateful that you generally felt well (you mentioned having a headache just once).  Here is the only photo taken of all 4 of us, at Vindolanda:

Postscript, the morning of June 6: