Sunday June 18th was Father's Day. We had a relatively quiet day at home, with hamburgers & hot dogs cooked on a new gas grill - my 25th Prudential work anniversary gift. Plus our favorite chocolate cake made with Droste dutch cocoa, which was absolutely delicious.
So during the afternoon, Steve and I convened on the upstairs back porch in West Pittston. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like at a specific place & time. It was a partly sunny afternoon with a slight breeze, around 80 degrees. As we talked, a crow called in one of our neighbors' tall trees. Here are my questions and Steve's answers. Alex & Rob, I hope you'll find this a help if you become fathers yourselves.
Q. What things did you most enjoy doing with the girls when they were growing up?
A. Vacation at the Jersey shore (staying in Avalon or Wildwood); going to the beach, walking on the board walk, visiting the Cape May Zoo.
Q. What are your guiding principles for parenting teen agers / young adults?
A. You can't micro-manage.... As a parent, you can no longer control what children do at this point. It's hard to see your kids make mistakes, but it's necessary; we all learn more from our mistakes than when things go smoothly. When things do go wrong, it's important to be there and help them understand why. For the girls especially, I told them they needed to learn to be independent (so as not to be reliant on someone else). No one should need a partner.
Q. What is the hardest thing about being a step parent?
A. Step parents need to understand this unique role. As a stepfather, since the boys are not my biological children I have no "rights" or "authority" from a moral perspective. So as not to alienate them, you have to be caring but hands-off. Allowing kids the freedom to make mistakes is even harder with a stepchild. You need to be there for them, but more as a friend than as a parent.
Q. What are some of the says you try to be a role model, as a Dad?
A. By working hard. Having fun, laughing and being silly sometimes. Also, talking about what's happening in the world and what matters to me. Lastly, I try to set an example by learning and trying new things (including at work).
Q. How do you want your kids to remember you as a father?
A. "I Tried !" My Mom cared for me and my brothers physically, but otherwise did not nurture us. My Dad was never part of my life. I always wanted to be better than my father. This included being available if my kids needed me; helping with homework, rides to activities or work and dealing with problems like a car break-down.
Q. What are your favorite qualities about each child?
A. Kate (35) - approaching her life with passion; for example, as a teacher. Her principles in viewing the world, in particular social justice.
Korin (30) - using her intelligence as a scientist to make a difference in the world.
Becca (30) - caring for other people, and being a down-to-earth person who leverages her common sense.
Alex (26) - self-confidence i.e., being less inhibited than most people by fears and insecurities (noting that this is a learned behavior).
Rob (20) - being idealistic in terms of recognizing social injustice, being intelligent and an extremely caring person. I hope he will find a way to help improve the world.
Q. What advice would you give your 23-year old self about becoming a father?
A. Recognize that it's hard to be a Dad. Parenting young people is not an exact science, and no one has all the answers. Sometimes you get parts of it wrong. But try your best, it will all work out in the end. (This is in spite of the fact that while I may appear patient, I'm really not; specifically, I have no patience for my own failings.)
Here are pictures of the kids who have been lucky to have Steve as their Dad. Kudos to Sharon and Steve for raising up their girls, who are now accomplished women.
Lovely teenage Albert Girls, June 2007:
Steve with Carroll Boys in their 20's, on Father's Day, June 2023:
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